I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
