good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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