so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
