I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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