guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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