I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
