my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
