ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
