you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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