Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
