I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
