areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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