It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
