i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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