I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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