I think i sorta joined a cult last night
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
