Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
