Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
