I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
