I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
