I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm too high and old for this...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
