I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
a search helicopter?!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
