We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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