Already got asked if we're dating
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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