I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That accounts for only three of the penises
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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