Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
