He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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