Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize