and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
