I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
