My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
