The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
