I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Found your dick twin last night
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
