It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
