i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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