I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize