my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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