Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
