In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
