Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
