My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
