I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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