Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
