You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize