I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
