I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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