I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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