Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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