her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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