there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
