yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
