Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
