I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
