my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
