If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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