I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
