I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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