The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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