OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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