guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
