I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
