Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
