She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
