Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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