Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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