I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize