I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
